Some folks worry that political correctness has gone too far where Christmas is concerned. The Flip Side, grammatically challenged since 2004, doesn't think it has gone far enough. Hence, we've identified six highly offensive carols that you might want to think twice about singing this holiday season. You're welcome, by the way.
All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
Most Offensive Lyric: "It seems so long since I could say / 'Sister Susie Sitting on a thistle!' / Gosh, oh, gee, how happy I'd be / If I could only whistle (th, th)."
Harmed Party: dentally challenged kids. Imagine the hurt when an already-self-conscious second-grader hears the song mercilessly poking fun at his or her temporary speech impediment. For shame, Donald Yetter Gardner, who wrote the unrepentant tune in 1944.
Most Offensive Lyric: "In the meadow we can build a snowman / Then pretend that he is Parson Brown / He'll say, 'Are you married?' / We'll say, 'No, man / But you can do the job / When you're in town.'"
Harmed Party: marriage traditionalists. Can you imagine? An anthropomorphic stack of packed ice presiding over the sacred bond of marriage? What next? A real person grants divorces?
Christmas is Coming
Most Offensive Lyric: "Christmas is coming / The geese are getting fat / Please put a penny / In the old man's hat."
Harmed Party: overweight fowl and the elderly. We don't think that we should have to explain why "fat" would be considered an insulting adjective by our full-figured, feathered friends. Also, the implication that panhandlers must be of advanced years smacks of ageism.
Up on the Housetop
Most Offensive Lyric: "Next comes the stocking of little Will / Oh, just see what a glorious fill / Here is a hammer and lots of tacks / Also a ball and whip that cracks / Ho-ho-ho! Who wouldn't go?"
Harmed Party: child-safety enthusiasts. Nowhere does the song mention warning labels for little Will's holiday haul, which apparently includes a mallet, small nails (lots of them) and a lion tamer's lash. Disgraceful.
Merry Christmas, Darling
Most Offensive Lyric: "Merry Christmas, darling / We're apart, that's true / But I can dream / And in my dreams / I'm Christmas-ing with you."
Harmed Party: English teachers. Christmas is a lot of things to a lot of people - but it is never a verb. Keep your "Christmas-ing" to yourself, Carpenters. Some of us have proficiency tests to worry about.
The Twelve Days of Christmas
Most Offensive Lyric: "On the third day of Christmas / My true love sent to me: / Three French hens / Two turtle doves / And a partridge in a pear tree."
Harmed Party: patriotic Americans. French hens, huh? Seriously? They're called freedom hens. And, yes, we still think that joke is funny.
I'm thinking that my favorite is Merry Christmas, Darling. But it may very well be The Twelve Days of Christmas. Yours?