Reflections

It's been a year now. It doesn't seem like it. Some days I swear I just got off of the phone with JZ. Other days ... well ... lets just say that it feels like forever. I can still hear every word Carp said on the phone when he called to tell us. That was a lifetime ago. That was just yesterday. That was a year ago ...

I go back and forth a lot. It's very surreal sometimes. There are days where it just doesn't register with me. Then there are the days that are all too real. Those days aren't my favorite, but I know that I have to walk through them.

I had a realization the other day. I haven't been in the best of moods lately. To those whom I hurt or offended, I am truly sorry. I've just hit another rough patch. And I have to walk through it. I do appreciate those who offer patience and will wait for me on the other side. Thank you.

I can't say that I'm thrilled with this. As a matter of fact, I'm still pissed some times. I have to be honest with you - this is wrong. This is NOT how it was supposed to be. Mandy is not supposed to be a 20-something widow. The four of us are still supposed to be getting together to watch the draft, play Settlers, talk about nothing, and laugh till we cry. Our kids are supposed to grow up together and play. They're supposed to be friends and our boys are supposed to pledge STE together.

I can't say that I love where we are. I can't say that I'm happy about it. I can't say that it sits okay with me. I can't say ...

I can say that I'm still very sad some days. I can say that I miss Z like crazy most days. I can say that I still cry. I can say that it still hurts ... a lot. I can say ...

There have been a few moments during the past year that I can point to and say "some of the pain went away when _____". I know for a fact that when JT and Beth left a blank spot in the groomsmen for Z that some of the pain left with that acknowledgment. God I pray for more of those. There's still so much pain. Not a day goes by ...

However, I know Z wouldn't want a bunch of tears. He wasn't much for crying - unless you were doing so because you were laughing so hard that was all you could do. I really appreciated that about his memorial last year. I am truly glad that we were all able to share and laugh. I know that would have made him the happiest. I know it was good for Mandy.

Tyler and I had lunch with Mandy last weekend. Yeah. It's still weird. It's going to be weird. It's where we are. I do know this ... we can't just not talk about it. We can't just not acknowledge where we are and what's brought us here. That's just not healthy and it's just not right. With that being said, I like talking about Z. There's hardly a day that goes by that Tyler and I don't share something, some memory or thought or comment, about Z. It's like getting a tiny piece of him back - even if it is just for a moment.

With that said ... I'd like to share with you my JZ memory for the day ... (Disclaimer: I am aware that this is completely inappropriate. But so was Z.)

He had a favorite joke. He wasn't allowed to tell it. Mandy hates it. So do I. Tyler likes it too. He's not allowed to tell it either ... Today, something is a little different ..

So a woman went into labor on April first ...

Nope. I can't do it. It's a bad joke. Tyler will tell you if you really want to hear it sometime ...

If there's one thing that I've really learned in the past year it is that you have to appreciate each moment you have with someone. Every time that you have the pleasure to laugh with someone or cry with them. When you get to share a joy or a smile. When you are blessed to have time to talk about something, anything, or nothing. Please take note. Please remember. Please acknowledge. Please appreciate the gift of that moment. You don't know that you'll get another moment to share a joy with that person that you love.

It's always been difficult for me to wish, hope, or dream for a new year. Part of me always feels selfish or self-centered for dreaming and hoping for things like a house, less debt, starting a family, etc. This year ... well ... it's a bit different. I wish that Tyler and I will be blessed with appreciation for and realization of the joy that surrounds us. I wish that we can truly live each moment and love each person. I wish for a few less tears of sorrow and pain and a few more of joy and laughter. And I wish for healing ...