Thursday, May 31, 2007

Floods of Emotion

I am mad.

I am sad.

It is NOT fair.

And yet ... it's the cycle of life. I suppose that, at least for the foreseeable future it will be this way. My grief comes and goes ... that's to be expected. Yet, must it come on so ridiculously strong when it comes? Please don't read me wrong here - there's not a single day that I don't think about JZ. However, I really thought that I was to a point in time that most of the thoughts would be happy ones. I was enjoying thinking about him. Not so much anymore.

Perhaps that's what's going on ... perhaps not ...

Truth be told, I am happy to remember Z. I enjoy sharing those memories with friends. I believe I have moved on to mourning for Mandy. There isn't a single day that I don't think about her at least four times. I cry. I cry because Tyler waits on me to brush my teeth with him before we go to bed at night. I cry because Mandy goes to bed alone. I cry because I come home from work to find Tyler making dinner. I cry because Mandy comes home to no one making her dinner. I cry because I get frustrated with having to pick up Tyler's laundry that doesn't make it into the hamper, but instead lands on the floor beside the hamper. I cry because Mandy doesn't have anyone to pick up after but herself. I cry because I take Tyler for granted. I cry because Mandy doesn't have that luxury.

I cry because I am mad.

I cry because I am sad.

I cry because it is NOT fair.

I hate that my hands are tied. I am such an action person. I want to make it better. I know there's nothing I can do to make this any better. That doesn't matter to me. I feel worthless in this. I hate that. I pray. I think. I hope for the best. Yet I can't see the best. I can't even see good right now in this. I hate that. I am usually an optimist. Now I am not. I hate that.

I hate that I am mad.

I hate that I am sad.

I hate that it is NOT fair.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007


So Sunday night after jOURney I went to the restroom. When I opened the door, I found two of our lovely little girls standing in their bare feet in the middle of the bathroom staring at the floor. Their both 4, but the older of the two (We'll call her E.) looked up at me and said that her shoes were soggy so she couldn't wear them.
Okay. Not a problem.

Me: "E, why are your shoes soggy?"
E: "I had to go to the bathroom but she (The other little girl, C.), was in there and I just couldn't wait anymore."
(It is important to note here that I knew the answer before I asked. I felt something wet on my toes as I walked into the bathroom ... and somehow I just knew.)
Me: "Okay E. That happens. C, are you finished here? Did you get to tinkle all that you had to?"
C: shakes her head
Me: "Okay. I'm going to pick you up and lift you out of the bathroom so that you don't accidentally step in anything on your way out. Go on and play with the boys ... E will be out soon." So I picked her up and got Tyler's attention from across the room. "I need E's mom to come here"
E's Mom: "What's up?"
Me: "She needed to tinkle but it was busy and she couldn't wait anymore." (We only have one toilet in the bathroom. It's small.) "So we need to clean up a little bit."
E's Mom: (to E) "You know that you can't wait that long. You need to go to the bathroom when you first have to go. You know that you can't hold it that long."
E: "I didn't think I had to go that bad. I'm sorry."

So we proceed to help E change. The bathroom isn't really big enough for three people to be in there at once - but yet, there we are. E is very concerned that she'll now have to wear her skirt without any panties. Her skirt is really a skort - but she's still very concerned that everyone will know that she's not wearing any panties. She's concerned about not having panties on - but she dropped her skirt with and panties to the floor without closing the bathroom door. The bathroom opens to directly to our worship and gathering space - which is also not huge. So we explain that if she doesn't tell anyone, no one will know and it will be our little secret. E's okay with that - after some coaxing. So by the time that E's mom and I have cleaned up the bathroom floor, and I've used the restroom, E has completely recovered and is running around like a banshee again - just as she usually is.

Man - I love kids ... I can't wait to have them around more often ... :)

Cincy in a Whirlwind

So we were in Cincy this past weekend - for less than 24 hours. I really enjoy traveling ... but I HATE having to do it in such a whirlwind. We really have too much on our plates ...

Tyler and I both had a good time, but thanks to the super shortness of the visit, most of our social time with friends had to be super late into the evening. I'm pretty sure that Tyler was out till 1 am or so on Sunday morning. Crazy. Shout out to the Aldridges. Thanks for letting us crash at your house. (On a side note here ... I hate descending on a house and using it just to sleep. Am I the only person who feels guilty for that, or does anyone else out there share my feelings?) Sunday morning we stayed long enough to go to Kara's dedication at church. It was nice. I like their church - it would have been nice to hear a sermon ... but it was also Graduates' Sunday. So the youth leader lady took over the microphone for what was supposed to be a short "Thanks for being you ... Good luck in the future ... etc ...", so 45 minutes later she stopped talking. So there wasn't a sermon.

jOURney, on the other hand was fantastic Sunday night. I'm going to sound like I'm stealing from Ryan here, but I too really felt like we were all on the same page and something bigger than us was going on there ... it was cool! :)

So - upcoming weekends:
June 2 - August 11 ... somewhere for something at least one of the days ...
August 18 - ? ... are we done with the marathon weekends? ... wow ... that would be FANTASTIC!!!!!! (On the downside - I thought that we were half way through our marathon - and it appears that we're not ... oh well ...

Sunday, May 27, 2007

New Blog

Tyler and I have decided to record and publish for our entertainment and yours all of those thoughts and conversations that could cause us to be smited. We hope you enjoy reading ...

The Way, The Truth, and The Smite

Warning: It may not be for the faint of heart, the full of bladder, or those who can't laugh at themselves and their belief systems.

(There's also a link on the side of my blog)

Friday, May 25, 2007

Lack of Wisdom

Sometimes I just don't understand.

God, please help me to understand and to see your ways and your workings in our lives. Amen.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

In the Heat of the Day

We have one. It's in the wall in the living room and does a lovely job cooling our entire home. But for some reason I'm stubborn. There's a part of me that feels like we shouldn't have to turn it on in May - especially since it's supposed to be back in the 70s Saturday AND says it'll stay in the 70s through next weekend. However, my stubbornness is affecting my work getting done around here ...
It's too hot right now to sew. There's a breeze in the living room, but not in the kitchen where I have to set up the sewing machine. I have a fan going in the bedroom and one in the living room, as well as the central fan - but it's still 88 degrees in here. And neither myself nor my wonderful husband are lacking in the "extra body padding" area - we're overweight ... it makes the heat that much hotter ...

Oh to turn on the air or leave it off? ... Thoughts?

At 9 pm last night it was still 87 degrees in our front room (where there are windows on two sides and the fan/ac. We decided that we'd turn it on just long enough to cool the house so that we'd sleep. It was nice. It was off again this morning and I had the windows all open. If only we had ceiling fans - then perhaps it would still be off ... but alas - it's back on. Oh well ... it'll be nice next week and we can have fresh air once again.


That's hours and miles ...

So last weekend was yet another in our marathon of spring/summer weekends. We started out Friday evening stopping in Ada for Kappa Phi's Degree of the Rose. Then we headed to Marion, IN to hang out with Dave and Abby Burden. Marion is about forty minutes or so south-west of Fort Wayne. Tyler had fraternity business with Dave, who took over Tyler's job in the fraternity (secretary) at the last Conclave. Abby and I had a really nice time visiting too. They've been working on remodeling their house and, while they feel like they still have so much to do, it looks great and their hard work is evident. We slept in Marion on Friday night.

Saturday afternoon we took off for New Philadelphia, OH, 5 hours from Marion. We stayed with Garry and Deidra Lute that night. I felt so bad that we got there so late ... but it was good to see them. We hadn't seen them since last August at their wedding. We stayed up and chatted for a while. Deidra gave us the grand tour of their new house - which they are also remodeling. She bought it sight unseen by Garry just a couple of weeks before their wedding. They've finished ripping out the lathe and plaster walls in the entry and have re-drywalled and are waiting to paint. They still have a lot of work to do - but their house will be beautiful when they finish. The old woodwork alone is gorgeous.

Sunday morning we went to church in Urichsville with Deidra and her family. It was really good to see Mom and Dad Dudgeon again, as well as her little sister Diana. We then took off and headed for Wintersville/Steubenville, OH - an hour further east than New Philly. My step-mom's mom died on Thursday night and we wanted to go out for the showing at the funeral home. I know it meant a lot to Dad, Syl, and my siblings to see us there. Dad was shocked ... but, like we said, there's nowhere that's too far to travel for family. It was good that we went. I just wish that we could have stayed for the funeral on Monday - but that wasn't practical, we needed to work on Monday. So we left the funeral home around 3 and headed towards Columbus. Why?, you ask. Because at that point in the weekend, we'd rather make the 3 hour drive to my mom's house than the 5 hour drive back to ours. And it was Mother's Day ... couldn't hurt to see as many of our moms as we could. So we had dinner in Columbus with mom and stayed there Sunday night.

Monday morning we went to mom's school and Tyler taught her fifth graders some cool things about math. We started that tradition while he was in grad school and we've just kept it going. Mom usually takes the math enrichment kids, so they just eat up everything that Tyler talks about. She had a bright group again this year ... I was impressed with the way they followed and asked intelligent questions. I also haven't missed a year of my life without getting to mom's room at least once a school-year. The visual on her kids just makes her stories so much better! We left around noon and headed straight to school to pick up Sophie. So, by the time we got home from our Monday evening church meeting, we'd been not home for 72 hours and put 775 miles on the car. While it was a good weekend - I certainly wouldn't recommend that much travel in three days time. :P

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Chocolate Chips

Today is National Chocolate Chip Day! How exciting! Celebrate today with cookies ... or just eat them by the handful ...

What a yummy day!

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

A Mish Mash of Info ...

- 38. That's the total number of pounds I've lost in the last year. Woo Hoo! :) That's major progress towards my 100 pounds lost goal. And, I'm right on track. I figured that it would take me about 2 and a half years to really make the life changes necessary to keep up with this forever.

- JESUS! Oh so much to say ... So the video in the previous post is short, sweet, to the point, and HILARIOUS!!!!!! It was a total accidental find. And a laugh we totally needed. Tyler and I were reading some things online about this movement. Intrigued to find several holes in his "platform" ... we searched on YouTube. And found this ...

Wow ... holy cow dude ... people can really twist stuff huh? I won't post it here, but the piece that's done by the Today Show was informative too. And Tyler and I sat and watched in amazement. Slowly, we realized that there's a reason God isn't smiting US. He's too busy watching out for the real loonies out there ... So I'm really interested to hear what you may or may not have to say about the Growing in Grace movement/religion ...

- So we're 1 week into a 7 week crazy land. Yes, that statement was confusing ... allow me to clarify. Last weekend was the first of the out-of-town crazy booked weekends. Tyler had an Aflac state meeting in Dayton on Friday. His meeting went well. While he was busy meeting the new state coordinator, I spent the afternoon with Jenette and her two lovely children. Poor Ethan was still not 100%, but he's still a good kid. Little Kara (11 weeks old now :)), is soooooooooo adorable. She's such a sweet little baby! So Tyler's meeting only went 4 hours instead of 5, whew! I went back up to Dayton to pick him up and we returned to Jenette and Aaron's house. (As a side note here, they live in a subdivision. Not one of the newer ones where every home looks exactly the same, but a subdivision none-the-less. I did not get lost going in and out of their neighborhood different ways than the directions that Google gave me. I also didn't have trouble following the directions in the first place - except for not being able to find the street that Jenette forgot to mention was necessary to get to her house in the first place :P. Haha! Tyler gets lost in there every time. YES! I am better at not getting lost!) They ordered a pizza for dindin ... killer pizza ... Fox's. It was yummy. Having time to hang out was fun. Saturday, we went to a baby shower. It was way cool. Josh and Ann had their shower at a park and did a cook out. It was a family affair too. Everyone just kind of mingled and played with each other's kids, it was super nice. Tyler and I talked on the way home, and it was exactly the kind of shower we'd like to have someday. We were planning on coming home Saturday afternoon, but we were totally exhausted. So we stayed another night. Jenette and Aaron left to run some errands and left us with the kids. Tyler played with Ethan on his Star Wars game. I think they had fun ... Ethan sure seemed to. I sat with Kara while she slept. Then she woke up and the little stinker was starving but refused to take her bottle. Oh well ... the fight that she put up refusing the bottle just gave me more quiet time while she was eating. She's such a happy baby! Tyler was really sweet to take some time with her too. He's really good with kids. He'll be a good dad someday. Aaron made enchiladas for dinner and margaritas. They were killer good. We mostly just hung out. But truth be told, we needed that relaxed social time. We don't often get that. We left Sunday morning around 9. Which was great because it gave me time to crash before I left at 2:30 for a bridal shower in Ada. It was really good to see the girls that were there. Yay for weddings! Tyler and I are really looking forward to this one. One of many this summer ... Then last night I had a jewelry party to attend. Another fun one. I needed that social time too.

- Upcoming events: Trip to Marion this coming weekend. STE business. Then another jewelry meeting Monday, and a new group starting up at church. Next weekend my mom is coming up. We're going to take Gramma out for lunch for mother's day ... yeah ... late, but the only time we could fit in in. The weekend after that is Memorial day weekend and we have a family function. Then, the first two weekends in June we have weddings. I keep thinking that we already have plans for the third weekend in June, but I can't remember what ... oh well ...

- So this was way longer than I expected. I need to get moving again on laundry. Today is rug washing day. I also need to find some lunch ... and I have to pick up Sophie at 3 today. Later ...

Monday, May 07, 2007

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

3:30 Brain

Yeah ... I've been bad ... sorry about that. Truth be told, I've been going through some stuff and just haven't felt like posting about it ... However, my lack of motivation leaves my loyal reader (Is there more than one of you? :P) with nothing to read. Bummer for you ...

So it's 3:30 in the morning and I'm up. This is the second night in a row for this awful sleep pattern. Last night I was up sick at this time ... tonight ... well - let's just say that not only am I up sick, I had quite the dream that I just couldn't shake.

So ... what's going on? ... Well ... We're working on getting the office in order for what Tyler thinks will work best for him and Aflac. It's an absolute mess right now ... but it will get there. What is done and where it will be is nice. And we've both been really good about just getting rid of stuff we don't need and/or use. I've been on a real kick of "get rid of what we don't need/use ... get it out of our house" recently ... I must say that I know this isn't completely unfounded ... I just don't know the full extent of what's causing it yet.

DOC called. My second pair of glasses is in. I can't go down there to get them this week. I can't go this weekend. I can't go next week. I can't go next weekend. You know what? ... I pretty much can't get away from Findlay (except for all of the stuff that's already booked) for quite a while. So mom's going to pick them up and mail them to me. I have been blessed ... truly. Mom is an absolutely incredible woman. She's more than I could have ever wished for or imagined a mom should/could be. Don't get me wrong ... she's not on a pedestal or anything ... we've had our rough times. But we're where we are now in our relationship because of the way she's been willing to redefine it over time. We most certainly don't look like what I think most mother/daughter teams look like. And I think that we're closer than most ... which can be a problem at times (for everyone ... sorry sweetie ... I know). Mom and I are more friends than parent and child. But I know I can still call and talk to my mommy if I need/want to. I wouldn't trade that for the world.

We're going to be crazy busy for a while. We have a baby shower and a bridal shower this weekend. I'm skipping small group on Thursday to have dinner with my Big Sis (who hasn't been in state since our wedding almost 3 years ago). Usually I wouldn't skip ... but it's been 3 years since I've had a chance to spend time with her. And she graduated a year before I did ... so it's really been almost 4 years since we've had good quality time together. Next week I have a meeting every night. We're headed to another STE meeting next weekend. Then we start in on the wedding marathon of the summer. I know I'm looking forward to it. It's just harder when we have to go go go ...

I do have some more to say ... but I'm tired. I've finally cooled down and finished my water. Hopefully I've seen enough HGTV to clear my head tonight. Sorry about the long time between and then the length of the post. I'll try to be better ...