Floods of Emotion

I am mad.

I am sad.

It is NOT fair.

And yet ... it's the cycle of life. I suppose that, at least for the foreseeable future it will be this way. My grief comes and goes ... that's to be expected. Yet, must it come on so ridiculously strong when it comes? Please don't read me wrong here - there's not a single day that I don't think about JZ. However, I really thought that I was to a point in time that most of the thoughts would be happy ones. I was enjoying thinking about him. Not so much anymore.

Perhaps that's what's going on ... perhaps not ...

Truth be told, I am happy to remember Z. I enjoy sharing those memories with friends. I believe I have moved on to mourning for Mandy. There isn't a single day that I don't think about her at least four times. I cry. I cry because Tyler waits on me to brush my teeth with him before we go to bed at night. I cry because Mandy goes to bed alone. I cry because I come home from work to find Tyler making dinner. I cry because Mandy comes home to no one making her dinner. I cry because I get frustrated with having to pick up Tyler's laundry that doesn't make it into the hamper, but instead lands on the floor beside the hamper. I cry because Mandy doesn't have anyone to pick up after but herself. I cry because I take Tyler for granted. I cry because Mandy doesn't have that luxury.

I cry because I am mad.

I cry because I am sad.

I cry because it is NOT fair.

I hate that my hands are tied. I am such an action person. I want to make it better. I know there's nothing I can do to make this any better. That doesn't matter to me. I feel worthless in this. I hate that. I pray. I think. I hope for the best. Yet I can't see the best. I can't even see good right now in this. I hate that. I am usually an optimist. Now I am not. I hate that.

I hate that I am mad.

I hate that I am sad.

I hate that it is NOT fair.